What if Bob Dylan had fought in Vietnam? Norplant Rodriguez placed third in the second writing period with his terrifying answer to this question.
Ho Chi Minh City Revisited
By Norplant Rodriguez
Judged by The Racist
Some guys don't like to talk about the war much. Guess that makes sense. The Gooks wasted a lot of good people over there. 'Lotta guys saw their bros get blown to shit right in front of their faces. No free love for the grunts either. Hard to get pussy when you're wearing your buddy's guts as a hat.
Me? I like to reminisce. That cluster fuck they call The Vietnam Conflict was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I stepped off the plane in Saigon expecting to hear a line about how to stay alive from some short-timer with the thousand yard stare. Instead, nobody said anything to us. Wasn't worth it to get to know a guy who'd probably be dead within two weeks.
That isn't to say that I didn't pick up any useful tips while I was over there. The first real piece of advice I got came from my squad leader, a short, skinny Midwestern Jew called Zimmerman.
He'd caught me going into one of the many crab factories around downtown Saigon. I was about to slip my tube steak into a tired looking Mama-San when Zimmerman kicked in the door. He walked into the room stinking drunk, with a half-gone bottle of Johnny Walker Blue in one hand, and a 12-inch Bowie Knife in the other.
"Well goddamn, Private," he bellowed. "Don't you know you only find the good pussy out in the bush?"
He took a swig of the Johnny Walker and hit the gook whore across the bridge of the nose with the pommel of his knife. He laughed a nasal laugh as blood shot out all over the cheap silk sheets.
By this time the gook whore's ARVN pimp had come bursting into the room to check out the commotion. He was a scrawny little bastard with thin arms and beady eyes, and he was plain horrified at the spectacle in that room. He took a wild swing at Zimmerman, who was so drunk he hadn't noticed him come in, and connected just above the temple.
"Why you slanty-eyed fuck!" screamed Zimmerman. "I'll gut you like a fuckin' catfish!!"
And he did.
Zimmerman sunk his 12-inch bowie deep into the abdomen of the ARVN pimp and pulled sideways across his body, leaving a gaping hole the size of a football where the little gook's stomach used to be. The floor became a quagmire of shit and half digested sukiyaki as the little yellow man crumpled and spilled his guts all over the floor.
Zimmerman licked the blade of his 12-inch bowie knife clean.
The gook whore let out a terrified scream and tried to hide herself underneath the cheap silk sheets stained with her own blood.
I watched as he tore the sheets off of the bed and grabbed the gook whore by the hair. She squealed as he ran the blade of his 12-inch bowie up along her neck to the base of her skull.
"I could use some new fiddle strings," he said, and sawed at the gook whore's ponytail with his 12-inch bowie until all that remained were clumps of black hair that squirted out from between his bloody fingers.
She collapsed to the floor and tried to crawl away through the shit and sukiyaki stew left behind by her deceased ARVN pimp.
"Oh no," said Zimmerman. "I ain't through with you yet!"
He grabbed the little yellow whore by the ankles and tossed her on the bed, ass in the air. Zimmerman gulped down one final swig of the Johnny Walker, shoved the bottle up her ass and emptied the remnants into her insides.
He grabbed her by what was left of her hair and dragged her through the cesspool on the floor until her legs were covered with shit and bile. Then he kicked her down the stairs, leaving the black and blue imprint of a GI boot sole ingrained onto her yellow ass. A brown stream of Johnny Walker and feces came spilling out of her rectum as she hit the floor.
"HOW DOES IT FEEEEEEELLL???" Zimmerman screamed after her.
I stood shaking as he turned his gaze towards me.
"Welcome to the 'Nam you fuckin' pussy."
He walked out of the whorehouse, making sure to muddy up his boots in the shitty mess that was the ARVN pimp's remains.
I haven't paid for sex since.
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