The Pygmy and the Pussy
by Mr. Wonderful AKA Brian
Judged by Norplant Rodriguez
Two hours past sunset, Earl stomped into the saloon red-eyed and foul-mouthed. “Where the fuck is Daisy,” he growled to Benjamin, the toothless bartender.
Benjamin was making a strange cocktail for a bearded cowboy with whiskey, cream, and chili powder. “Now I don’t know Earl,” sad Benjamin in his high sing-song voice. “Why dontcha run along up stairs and have yerself a peek up there, get your pecker wet while you at it”
Earl pushed back whiskey-drunk cowboys and rose-scented ladies to get to the back where an English staircase wound its way to the second floor. He grabbed the arm of Emma, a regular here, as she walked downstairs with a grinning farmer and asked her if she knew where Daisy had got to. Emma shook under his grasp. “I…don’t.know Earl. I think she’s with a customer.”
Earl leaned forward and tickled the inside of her ear with his tongue. “Tell me what room she’s in you fucking whore or I’m going straight over to your house to fuck your mother, bedridden as she is.”
“You’re a monster, Earl!” said Emma. “If she hadn’t been thrown off that horse, you couldn’t handle her.”
“Just another reason why women should never be the ones riding,” said Earl with a lewd grin. His gold tooth shone in the dim light of the saloon as he began to twist her arm. A soft pop in her elbow made her shriek.
“She’s in the Christmas room,” said Emma crying. Earl pushed the girl to the floor and bounded upstairs two at a time. He kicked in the Christmas room and found some pygmy fisting Daisy.
“What the fuck is this?” cried Earl. “Is that is fucking midget?”
“What are you doing here Earl,” said Daisy. “You know..oh..oh…I’m working.
“It doesn’t look like you’re doing anything but lying there. I need to talk to you Daisy. Virgil found out that I killed his brother and he’s dead set on returning the favor.”
“Well what does that have to do…oh my god..oh…ohhhh…with me?”
“You’re coming with me, Daisy. We’re in love and we’re going to be together. I’ve gotten us a ticket on a stablecoach that will bring us clear to the Mexican border.”
“I’m sorry but I’m not in love with you anymore Earl. I’m in love with Francis.”
“And who the fuck is Francis you whore?” cried Earl banging his fist on the table.
“This is Earl,” said Daisy nonchalantly, pointing at the pygmy whose entire forearm was thrust up Daisy’s cooch.
“This little midget,” cried Earl. “Why I’m going to break him in two. I’m going to squeeze his head until it pops. I’m going to eat his legs.
Earl came lunging at Francis the pygmy, hands out and red-eyes filled with fury. Just as his hands were about to snap down on Francis’ little neck like a bear trap, Francis removed his arm from Daisy’s pussy with a loud pop. In his fist was a rusty sword which he sank in the heart of Earl.
As death and cunt juice seeped into his body, Earl muttered his last words: “I can’t believe the ol’ crone fortune teller was right. I was done in by a pygmy and a pussy. Who woulda known.”
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